Thrift Stalking

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I take thrifting very seriously. If thrifting were an olympic sport, I would win the gold medal every time.

Thrifting is not a game. Thrifting is not just fun. Thrifting is a sport, not a strawberry social, y’all.

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar is on Netflix right now, btw.

Yesterday, my thrifting savagery reached a level I’m not entirely proud of.

Let me explain. I popped into Goodwill and was browsing, like ya do. I was going through the handbags when  a lady to my left who was chatting on her phone said, “Oh wow. I just found the weirdest thing. It’s a vintage Dooney & Bourke suitcase thing!”

No. Oh no you did not, I thought, my eyes narrowing to slits.

I kept my breathing slow and calm, but inside, I was more like…

If that lady hadn’t been there or if she had just shown up five seconds later, that bag would have been mine. I couldn’t believe my lousy luck. Also, I needed a new messenger bag to go with my new job where I telecommute for half the week. The universe was suddenly a cruel and unfair place.

She slung the bag over her shoulder and continued browsing, all the while chatting with her friend.

So I did what any thrift-obsessed savage would do. I followed her. My thought was, she could change her mind at any moment. She didn’t seem that excited by her find, and it wasn’t hers until she brought it to the cashier.

The game was on!

This perfectly nice lady of course had no idea what inner turmoil I was suffering. When she walked over to housewares, there I was in the next aisle…picking up an occasional item, furrowing my brow, then returning it to the shelf. I studied theatre in college, so I think I pulled off the role of Shopper 12 fairly well. When she went to the other side of the store, I waited a few seconds and headed in that direction as well, flipping through the racks as though I hadn’t a care in the world.

This lasted for twenty minutes.

I started to feel ridiculous. I was supposed to meet up with Brian in half an hour. I didn’t have time for this. This lady would have to be nuts to not buy this thing, and I was behaving like a crazy person.

Then, It happened.

She shrugged the bag off her shoulder, draped it over a nearby rack, and left the store. I gave it 10 seconds, then rushed over and claimed my prize.

I WAS VICTORIOUS!!!!!

MINE. All MINE.

This savagely thrifted messenger bag was purchased for a mere $16.

That’s how it’s done you guys. That’s how amazing finds happen.

Thrifting is not a game.

 

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